How do you cope with status anxiety of others?

I think I am ridding myself of this disease. I live in a city of 1.5 million where this is less than 6 degrees of separation between people. However, I know that people project their own values onto me. My friend asks me when I am going to get a new job (suggesting that my current one isn't prestigious enough), when I'm going to move to one of the elite, sought-after suburbs etc, and why I'm still single which really means "what's wrong with you?". The truth is she's had a lot of her oppotunities handed to her by friends of her family.





How can I give her the message that I don't appreciate these sdubtle put downs and judgments of my worth?

How do you cope with status anxiety of others?
I think you should tell her just as you said in your question. "I don't appreciate these subtle put downs and judgments of my worth" I think the straight forward approach is best in this situation. Then give her examples of things which will no longer be tolerated that she says.


This is the first step to putting your foot down and not allowing anyone to tread on your self worth. Tell her that if she doesn't stop, you won't be able to spend anymore time with her because it isn't healthy for you. She should see what she's doing and apologise, if she doesn't, then she's not much of a friend and doesn't have enough repect for you to be called friend anyway.
Reply:I would just tell her what you said here. If you were my friend and you told me what you said here, I wouldn't get upset. I'd probably consider it, although it is not something I have ever done. If she takes it personal, she's being unreasonable. A true friend would never want to hurt her friend unintentionally or intentionally.
Reply:a long, long time ago, i was offered a promotion at a firm. i was told that if i were to accept this position, i would not be permitted to eat lunch with the peons i was currently eating lunch with.


needless to say, i chose to eat with the peons and never regretted it.





it's easy for people like your so called friend to get your goat, so to speak. i would answer every remark she made with a smile, a positive comment, like i'm happy, i gotta be me, or i know mr. right is on his way. i wouldn't defend my choices. you friend sounds insecure. you sound just fine.


don't lower your standards.
Reply:My sugestion, although hard is effective in most cases. Tell her strait, that these are put downs and you do not appericate them (this must be handeled delicatley since on her end she may be trying to help). Then do not leave it just like that. Explain yourself, and why you don't want to change and make sure it is a definate no to change. If she is your friend then she will accept this if she is only in it for the status she may drop you as it were.





Hope this helps.
Reply:The way I understand, I think she's more worried about you than putting you down. But I am like you I take this as a big fist blow in the ego.


I think the best way you can give the message across her meddling mind is tell her straight to the point 'this is my life, i live it, i feed me, and I do as I wish'. or you can give her satirical comments back for her to ponder on.


I never let myself get to this far down giving a chance for anyone to put me down, see I am nobody, career wise but I know how to respect and read people's feelings that is why I don't have difficulties mingling with the rich, poor or the moderate class.. This world is a cruel world, don't be scared to speak for yourself.
Reply:What in the world is the difference between loving a person, and being attached to them? Love is the sincere wish, for others to be happy for others and free from suffering. Having realistically realized other’s kindness, as well as their faults, Love is Always focused on the other person’s welfare. We have no ulterior intensions or motives to fulfill our own self-interests; or to fulfill our own desires, we love others, all people, simply because they exist. Attachment, on the other hand, exaggerates others’ good qualities, and makes us crave to be with them. When we’re with them, we are happy, but when we’re separated from them, we’re miserable. Attachments are always linked with expectations of what others should be, or what they should do for us. Is love, as it is understood in most societies, really love OR attachment ? Let us examine this a little more. Generally speaking, we are attracted {drawn to) people because they have qualities we value, or because they help us in some way. If we carefully observe, through introspection, our own thought processes we’ll notice that we very often look for specific qualities in others. Some of these qualities we are drawn to, finding them attractive, others are qualities within our parents, or qualities which society values.


We examine someone’s looks, education, social status, financial status, and so forth. This is how Most of us decide on whether or not the person holds any true value, or not. In addition, we judge people as worthwhile according to how they relate to us. If they praise us, encourage us, help us, if they listen to what we have to say, if they make us feel secure, if they take care of us when were sick, unhappy or depressed, we consider them good, or sometimes righteous people, and these are the people we more drawn to, whom we are most likely attracted to, and the people we choose to be around with.


In all honesty, this is very biased, for we are judging them, only in terms of how they relate to us, as if we are the most important person in the world %26amp; thinking the world revolves around us! After we’ve judged certain people to be good for us, whenever we see them, it appears to us as if goodness is radiating out from within them, but as we are more mindfully aware, we realize that we have projected this goodness on to them.


Desiring to be the people who make us feel good, we become emotional yo-yo’s, when we’re with these people, we’re up, but when we’re not with them, we’re down. Furthermore, we form fixed concepts of what our relationships with these people will be, and thus have expectations of them. When they do not live up to our expectations of them, we’re unhappy, disappointed or may even become angry. We want them to change so that they will match what we think they are. But our projections and expectations come from our own minds, not from other people. Our problems arise not because others aren’t who we thought they were, but because we mistakenly thought they were something they were not. We often use a type of Checklist also. Checklist: “I Love You IF ___________ !” This Love is Conditional and what we call love, is most often attachment. It is actually an attitude which overestimates the qualities of another person.


Then we cling tightly to that person, thinking our peace and happiness depends on that person. We even often blame that person for our unhappiness. Love, on the other hand, is a very patient, calm, optimistic and relaxed attitude. We want others to be free from suffering and to be happy simply because they exist. While attachments are uncontrolled, and too emotionally sentimental, Love is Patient, powerful, and controlled(disciplined). Attachment obscures our judgment {our ability to make sound, wise decisions), and we become impatient, angry, and impartial – helping our dear ones, and those who do us no harm. Love clarifies our mind, %26amp; we access a situation by thinking of the greatest good for everyone. Attachment is based on selfishness, while love is founded on valuing, %26amp; cherishing others, even those who do not look very appealing to us. Love always looks beyond all the superficial appearances and dwells on the fact that they are just like us: they want peace of mind, happiness, and wish to avoid suffering. If we see unattractive, or unintelligent people we most often feel repulsed, because our selfish minds want to find attractive, intelligent, and talented people. On the other hand, Love never evaluates others by theses superficial standards and looks much deeper into the person. Love recognizes that regardless of the others appearances, they’re experiences are they same as ours: they want inner mental peace, happiness, and wish to be from suffering. When we’re attached, we’re not mentally, emotionally, %26amp; spiritually free. For we overly depend on, and cling to another person, to fulfill our emotional, mental, and spiritual needs. We fear losing the person, fearing that we’d be incomplete without them. This does Not mean that we should suppress all our emotional needs, or become aloof, and totally independent, for that too would not solve the problem. We must simply realize our unrealistic needs and slowly, gently and patiently – seek to eliminate them. If we try to suppress them, pretending they do not exist, we become insecure, anxious, or possibly depressed. In this case, we do our best to fulfill our needs, while simultaneously working gradually to subdue them. The core problem is that most of us seek to be loved, rather than to love. We yearn to be understood by others, rather than to understand them. Our sense of emotional insecurities comes from the selfish obscuring of our own minds. We develop confidence by recognizing our inner potential to become a Selfless human being, having many magnificent qualities, then we’ll develop and have an accurate perception of ourselves, gaining self-confidence. We’ll seek to increase true unconditional love, to increase compassion, to cultivate patience, as well as generosity, right concentration and wisdom. Under the influence of attachment, we’re bound by our unstable emotional reactions to others. When they’re nice to us, we’re happy, but when they ignore us or speak sharply to us, we take it personally, and are unhappy. But pacifying attachment doesn’t mean we become hard-hearted, rather without attachments, there will be space in our hearts and minds for genuine affection and impartial love for them. And as a result, we’ll be more actively involved with them. As we learn to transform our minds %26amp; lives, through subduing our attachments, we can definitely have successful friendships, and personal relationships with others. These relationships will be richer, more meaningful because of the freedom and respect the relationships are based on. We’ll really care about the happiness and misery of all human beings equally, simply because everyone is the same inside: we all want inner peace of mind, Happiness, and to be from suffering.


However, of course, our lifestyles and interests may be a bit more compatible with some people. Our friendships and our personal relationships will be based on mutual interests, and to help other people. Having such an attitude, we’ll be much More Patient, %26amp; tolerant toward others; will remain mentally calm, having Peace of Mind AND Happiness, and Will communicate successfully with others in life.
Reply:just let her know, by your attitude, that you are very proud to be the person who stands before her.....
Reply:i know what you mean,,,,, my reply is usually, when something like that is said,,, is that "i am happy with my current,,,,,,, whatever it is,,,,, " then i change the subject,,,, also,, as i have aged, i know the outside things, while nice,,,, are not what matters,,,,,, one example, yes i have been poorer while raising my daughter (finding a job where you can be there before and after school, take off on school holidays and when she was ill wasnt easy), a person i knew would make comments like you mention,, today my child is doing great in college, hers is a drug addict trying to stay out of jail (i take no happiness in that), i am just saying that while her comments didnt make me feel bad ,,,, i a few times envied her,,,, now i dont,,,,,,,
Reply:I am sorry to use this space to write something veery unpleasent regarding the user 'An Ant =see its Ways to be Wis' who is spamming his best answer, manipulating his score. This individual is posting the same answer to a certain kind of questions. He just doesn't bother to read the question and spams his answer. And I tried to e-mail him but he doesn't allow to be contacted. Check my question's aditional details 'what is religion? 'to see what I mean, better, check his profile page and go his answers and you'll see that they are all the same. He has not an opinion. He got this answer voted as the best and he gets it still voted and this is using it to manipulate his score. Thanks a lot for your understanding.


Btw, you can see that his answer has nothing to do with your question, may be a veeeeery little bit.


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Now, answering your question:


Is she really your friend?


A friend doesn't do this kind of things.





But even if she is your friend, is better to be alone...


So, what you have t do is to disconnect. If yu need help on that, see an auditor at the nearest Dianetics Centre, hel knows what to tell you so you do it the best way not hurting anybody. If you stay longer with this person yu may become what is called a Potential Trouble Source - PTS. It doesn't mean that you become mean or any thing of this sort. Is just you MAY become a PTS and PTSs get sick easily and have accidents... and you don't want that, do you?